yyland

existential crisis. October 8, 2010

As much as I would like to make films or TV, sometimes I think all I really have is words. Four and a half years in Uni have made me realise that my greatest strength (as I see it, not in some interview-answer/desirable-slash-employable skill way) is that I have an opinion about most things, and I’m able to express it, argue it, defend it, support it. I’m not always right, but I go there.

And well, I’m really just not the ‘creative’ type. I don’t create. I don’t spontaneously make stuff. I’m not an architect, not a creative writer, not a poet. I look at what other people create, and I talk about it. Which is such a ‘those who can’t, become film critics’ kind of thing. And maybe that’s what this is. I love watching TV and film. I get excited over a great cut, or a genious camera angle or shot. I get all gleeful over a particularly smart or witty sound or visual bridge. I love watching these things, even when they’re just trashy fun. But do I really want to make films? Do I even have what it takes? Two semesters editing a few IHG/Hall Pageant/Block Farewell/Whatever Crap videos doesn’t actually mean squat.

Am I being realistic or am I just chickening out like a little bitch?

All I know is I don’t want to be a 9am-6pm cubicle worker; I don’t want to push paperwork; I don’t want to work for an idiotic boss. All I know is what I don’t want to do. And time is really running out.

And yes, I know I’ve been whining about this forEVER, but I really just do. not. know.